Why Is It That Some Guys Just Don't Get It?

Some men don't understand women. And they really don't understand what women want when it comes to sex. Let's face it, we can put up with a lot if a guy knows what he's doing in the sex department so you'd think they'd be putting some serious study into the subject. Yeah, I hear you, most guys do put a lot of effort into honing their technique, but just because they're practicing a lot doesn't mean that they're paying attention.

I spent a lazy afternoon in the pub yesterday with my friend Joe. I've known Joe for years. He's nice looking in a geek-chic kind of way, funny, clever and permanently single. I'm like, so Joe, what's happening on the getting laid front? And he's like, oh God, Sara, it's terrible. I go, what? You're not getting any? He looks all mournful and says, no, that's not it, I'm getting laid left right and centre, it's just that they're not coming back for more.

It turns out that the last batch of girls Joe managed to persuade back to his place for fun and games all left his place the next morning and that was that, he never saw them again. He's like, Sara, what's going on with women these days? Are they just after a quick fuck or is it that I'm doing something horribly wrong?

I go, you're not doing a Neanderthal wham bam thank you mamma, are you? You're not being shy about the warming-up phase, are you? He goes, I'm not dumb, I've read Cosmo, I'm putting a whole load of foreplay effort in. I'm like, OK, well that's good. So are you into any of the wierder shit? He goes, puzzled, like what? I go, like gimp masks or nipple clamps or dogging? Because some girls like that kind of stuff but it's a specialist area. He's like, not unless they beg me. Then I say, sorry Joe, but I have to ask - are you hung like a hamster? He looks a bit nervous and goes, no, I mean, I'm not going to break the world record but it's respectable, at least I think it is. Do you want to see? I'm like, not thanks Joe, I believe you. You just keep it zippered.

After three pints worth of questioning, Joe confides that he's passionate about porn. Put it this way, it sounds like his right arm is pretty well developed, and his favorite kind of porn isn't the classy kind. He's into the old school stuff where the women have Zeppelins for breasts, the guys have lovely big mustaches and there's a whole lot of sperm flying around.

A couple more pints and it turns out Joe has been treating his conquests to the pearl necklace experience. I'm like, euww, Joe! What? he goes, looking confused. I go, that's disgusting! He's like, but I thought women loved it. I'm like, there's your answer, Joe, that's why the girls aren't coming back for seconds. Right now, women all over London are telling their friends about this guy they went home with once who gave them an unexpected sperm facepack. Joe, you're a sexual legend.

He goes, so I've been doing something for the past ten years that sexually repulses women? I go, ten years? Uh-uh, he nods. I'm like, jeez, I thought you were an urban myth.

So I guess the lesson is that if a guy does something completely off the mark, you've got to speak up. You owe it to the rest of us.