Sunday, November 13, 2005

One thousand years of solitude

It's been a strange weekend, a very introspective one, and some stuff has happened to make me think that I need to take a couple of weeks out to reassess my life and myself and pretty much everything.

My life is a fucking mess, and I'm a fucking mess, and something has to change.

I've been coasting on empty for so long I think I've forgotten what it's like to live, to really truly live, to grab every moment as it comes and to experience, to really experience, to open my arms out wide, to open my heart, rather than hiding behind that oh-so-effective protective layer of mine that keeps me safe but doesn't let much through. I need to pull myself off my hamster wheel, dissolve my comfort zone and let myself feel, properly feel, probably for the first time since Sam broke me.

I need to let myself heal. I need to really look at myself, to meet my eyes in the mirror and not be afraid to look into the depths. I need to learn to like what I see.

And I know I need to stop the drugs and all the other excesses I indulge in to keep myself emotionally numb.

I'll be back when I've managed to make a dent in that Teflon hide of mine.

In the meantime, I found a poem today which I wrote after Sam left all those years ago. I'm not sure it's particularly good but it probably says quite a lot about me, so I thought I'd share it. What does make me laugh a bit is that when I wrote it I obviously imagined myself to have achieved some kind of high-powered business-type job by the year 2005. I guess my life hasn't quite turned out like I imagined all those years ago...

Alternative Vistas: 2005
It is your eyes I see when I close mine
and pull you out of the dark recesses
of my mind at the end of each long day.
Finally relaxed, shards of light slanting
through the blinds on to the bed, I lie back,
shedding suit, briefcase, reams of paper,
smart shoes; my uniform, my armour,
guarding raw flesh, smothering me,
saving me from harsh real world life, forty-five
to fifty hours of every working week.

When I smell you on strange passing skin, you
leap out of the cubby hole constructed
for sometimes longed-for long-gone lovers.
The soundtrack of my life swells with
bitter-sweet thoughts of could-have-been.
I walk to work, city smells surrounding
my fragile frame; my mind filled
with alternative vistas and the look
in your eyes when you realise that you
could, possibly, might well have, loved me.

28 comments:

Juggling Mother said...

Life rarely turns out how you expect.

That doesn't mean it would have been better the other way.

i often wonder what the other me's are doing, how they're feeling & if they're happy (happier than me).

If asked just 10 years ago what I would have been doing in 2005 I would have been wrong on EVERY SINGLE count!

I wonder what it would have been like if I'd stayed with the love/lust of my life (broke my heart aged 19), or if I'd had the courage to accept the advances of a millionaire (scared me away aged 20), or not run away from my responsibilities in London (not even a glance back aged 18 - it does solve your problems, it just brings a lot of new ones too).

but then I look at my life, which is the opposite of everything I wanted, & think, it's quite good really!

I'm not a big believer in planning your life. Take what comes, when it comes & make the best of whatever you have - it might turn out to be what you want.

Osbasso said...

It's tough to make a decision like this. You never know what you'll find. Hope you get things figured out--we'll still be out here waiting to welcome you back!

Catherine Vocalist said...

I'm very happy for you! You are making truly powerful and positive changes for yourself.

In the end, it's all about loving and honoring yourself.

We'll all be here waiting for you to come back when you're good and ready! :)

TJ said...

Sara,

The very fact that you are introspective and desiring to make a change is a really positive sign. I'm sorry that things are so overwhelming for you now, and will miss reading about your thoughts and insights, but I'm sure that when you do come back from your time off, you'll be in an even better creative place.

And speaking of creativity, I really enjoyed your poem, and I'm sure the rest of us would love to read more if you chose to share them.

Ps. I was going to close with 'Take care of yourself', but it sounds like you already have begun...

it's all about me said...

thank you, all of you. :-)

positronic said...

Congrats on your revelations. Dissolving the comfort zone sounds scary to me. But that does not mean it's a bad thing. It will turn out to be great for you, and I will be rooting for you all the way. (I have my pink and blue pon-pons ready :-)I like your poem, especially the last few lines. Reminds me of my dreams of how working life in London would be. My aim for 2005 (visualised in 2000) was to have 5,000,000 STG in my current account, but I guess €400 is better than nothing. A friend of mine asked me where I wanted to see myself in 3 years time and I didn't know. She told me to think of something, and make it happen in 3 years time. I disagree to some extent. The real question is where do you want to be by the end of tomorrow. Smaller things make bigger differences. Otherwise at the end of those three years you might be where you wanted to be, but it might not be what you want anymore.

Surviving Online Dating said...

Sara, I feel sad, happy and proud of you all at the same time. I wish you well. You are doing the right thing I think. Check in once in a while to let us know you are OK.

Rick said...

...

I’m searching for my way as well. It’s like the past few years have been two dimensional and in black and white. Like a movie. No smell. No touch.

I hope you find your way out…

it's all about me said...

thank you guys, thank you for caring and for sharing your own experiences, plus your words of comfort and wisdom. I'll come back when I've figured it all out. And I'll check in from time to time.

NML said...

Wow, I think it's great that you have made this step after some soul searching. Take care of yourself and I'm happy for you :-)

snowsparkle said...

Taking the first step is not so hard as all the others that follow. I feel you're extraordinayr.. please keep going. You're in my meditations tonight.
big hugs,
snowsparkle

WDKY said...

Well done Sara... an important step in your personal and spiritual development. You're an intelligent and aware person and I'm sure you'll come out of this process stronger and wiser. Forget two weeks though... regard it as an ongoing project.

Tom said...

So what is happening with James? We wanne know... this is getting worse than East Enders' (English soap) addiction :-)

Anyway, Good Luck! I hope you are back soon.

You definitely should make a book out of it.

yep, it's me.... said...

I agree with mrs a, you can't plan a lot of life, just try to be prepared for what it sends your way.
i think i am like you in some ways, esp having been broken.
wish you all the best, wish i could help and know you will be ok!

Networkchic said...

When you decide to look in that mirror, promise yourself that whomever you find staring back at you, you love her. It all starts from there....

yep, it's me.... said...

hope you're ok, just wanted to drop by with a hi -

fjl said...

O God, please stop blaming yourself. If the look in his eyes says 'he might have loved you', it means he didn't love you and knew it. You saw how they lie. With empathy, with that wistful look in the eye that's a window to the soul. " I'm not into marriage- what difference does a piece of paper make?," and "You're too good for me", " You're so intelligent, I wish I could catch up with you", all actually mean "I don't want you." If he didn't love you, he's not worthy of you. Men don't notice what you've got sometimes, they're too wrapped up in their timing. Dump him and move on xxxx

TJ said...

Sara,

Just wanted to drop in and say a quick hello. I'm glad that you still drop by my site from time to time and I always look forward to your comments.

Take care, and hope all is well.

lighterate said...

Don't tell me you've started dreaming of mice instead of elephants.

it's been a long break between dreams.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah,
how are you?would be good to read another post from you soon!

Juggling Mother said...

Just popping by to see how you're doing & to let you know I check in nearly every day.

Hope it's starting to make some sense (although my life certainly doesn't make sense very often) & you'll be back soon

kimmyk said...

i love the new template.

hope things are looking up.

positronic said...

Beautiful template.
I hope things are working out?

Juggling Mother said...

ooo, new pretty colours.

Hope it's a sign of your new, pretty life:-)

Rick said...

Is someone playing around with their blog?

it's all about me said...

hi everyone
I'll be back soon, I promise.
Glad you like the new blog design. :-)

Aginoth said...

Hi glad you'll be back soon :o)

...can I get you to change the link to me in your sidebar/blogroll to http://aginoth.blogspot.com/

I had to delete my other blog (trapped in the body of a civil servant)...long story

David said...

it really is all about you. I thought that was just being clever, but it is truth in advertising. maybe my nlog is half about me, I dunno.