Saturday, December 03, 2005

a new chapter (hopefully)

I'm back. Finally.

I was away for a bit longer than I originally intended but it's taken me a bit longer than I thought it would to sort myself out to the point that I feel human again. I think I'm almost there.

It's been an emotional whirly-gig of (almost) a month. So much has been going on in my head that I couldn't describe it here, not without sending you all to sleep. So here's the abbreviated version: a month of hurdles and facing up to some unpleasant facts about myself; a month of re-evaluating this skewed blueprint for life that I seem to have developed over the years; a month to realise that I have wasted a lot of time, hiding from everything and anything and anyone likely to cause me pain, or likely to force me to do anything but coast. I've come to the conclusion that my lifestyle is not big, nor is it clever, and there have been some changes.

First of all, I've stopped taking drugs. Not an easy process and it's left me feeling quite ill - which is partly why I've stayed away for so long. The withdrawal process, even for someone who couldn't really be classified as a serious addict, has been unsettling - emotionally and physically. I won't go into the gory details but let's just say it hasn't been pretty. Since I hoovered up my hopefully last-ever line, I've been suffering from a permanent cold and extreme fatigue, which tells me my immune system is totally up shit creek. Funny, isn't it, how an unhealthy lifestyle only really hits home once you've given the stuff up? I'm popping multi-vits like crazy and keeping my fingers crossed.

Secondly, Helen and I are moving out of our semi-squat on Wednesday. Our landlord finally gave in to a lucrative offer from a property developer and we're out. So Helen is moving in with Karen and I've found a studio in Earl's Court. I'm really sad about it because I'm going to miss Helen badly - we've lived together for years -but she is a major stoner and my partner in all kind of crimes and misdemeanors, so it's probably for the best. My self-control only goes so far.

And James... well, that's a whole other story. I'm seeing him tomorrow for the first time in a long time, so you (and I) will just have to wait and see...

Thank you for all your comments while I've been away - it's meant a lot that you guys have been out there wishing me well...

19 comments:

Emily said...

Hello Sarah
good to hear that you´re back.

Also excited about to hear how things with James will go on!!

Em

Anonymous said...

Yay! You're back! Tried to leave a comment yesterday but for some reason it hasn't shown up! Well hope things go well m'dear!
Random reader xxx

WDKY said...

Hey, it's cool that you've been sorting all your stuff out, and hopefully you'll feel better soon, Sara. You should be very proud of yourself.

Dave said...

I so hope that you manage to get your life in order, fingers crossed for you!

Anonymous said...

hey sarah,
i think ur doin great girl!it sounds like its all working out and ur gonna be fine.hurrah! i wanted to ask, do u no wat happend to sam...he mite be divorced and bald with 3 children and a dead end office job in hull(no offence to any hullians!) and a magnolia coucil flat and only an old incontienent smelly cat that moults fur everywhere for company!lol-y dont u find out, if u can?it seems very very..intriguing!
so pleased(how teachery does that sound...but im not..im a student..phew!)
xxx
random reader's northern and more random cousin,
nats

NML said...

Well done and it's lovely to hear from you. Sometimes all we need is some time and hopefully you will feel better soon. Good luck tomorrow x

kimmyk said...

i'm so glad you're back..

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you're strong ..and you continue to be healthy!

my friend is going through what you're going through now.....i think he's going to be ok...and i think you will too.

Juggling Mother said...

Welcome back.

De-toxing can take up to 3 months I'm afraid - but it tends to get better after the first few weeks, so at least you feel you are improving yopur life:-)

Glad that James hasn't dissappeared off the horizon. Looking forward to hearing about care free living in Earls Court:-)

Rick said...

It will take a while for your body to readjust to the chemical change, but when you've finally adjusted, you will be amazed...

Good for you; welcome back.

Osbasso said...

Wow! You're back! Very encouraged to hear you're taking back your life. Good luck with everything!

Julchen said...

Hello
good that you´re back. how was your meeting with James?Cant wait...:-)
take care, Julia :-)

Networkchic said...

I'm glad you decided to quit the drugs. No matter how much they masked the pain you were trying to hide, when you wake up sober, they're still there larger than life. I think you are on the right road...it may be a bumpy one but you'll be able to steer it much easier now.

lady miss marquise said...

Hi, welcome back! Good luck with all the changes in your life, it's not easy so well done.

Can't wait to hear how things with James go...

TJ said...

Welcome back, Sara! I'm glad that you feel better after taking some time to sort things out--we were all sending you our best thoughts.

Good luck with the move into your new place, and hope that your meeting with James goes well.

(Let me know if you need a hand carrying all of your stuff from one apartment to the other--I suddenly have plenty of free time during the day now!!)

Catherine Vocalist said...

Sarah

I am so happy that you are back. I know that what you are going through has been difficult. But you are doing something really wonderful and powerful for yourself.

Even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, trust me it's there..

We're all here for you... My prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

Surviving Online Dating said...

I have missed you. Welcome back

Anonymous said...

Hooray! You're back!

Emily said...

hi Sarah how are you?still no James news?:-)
bye bye Em

yep, it's me.... said...

yes, I have missed you and congrats on dropping the drugs. Splitting from the roomie is a good thing! You're pretty fabulous and should have the best of everything!