Mind Your Manners

We're in the pub one night and my friend Paul says, Girls, tell me something, why is it that women think that men get off on having a finger stuck up their bum?

We stare at him. Let's face it, it isn't a topic that usually comes up in conversation. Especially not in the middle of a heated debate on skinny jeans versus bootlegs (verdict, inconclusive).

He continues, It's enough to put a guy off his stride. This woman I ended up in bed with last night stuck her finger up my bum, just as I was really getting into it. He winces, and she had very long fingernails. So what's the big deal? Is it some kind of a hint? Like, secret code for get off me you're crap?

Helen goes, isn't that what you do to a Pit Bull to unlock its jaws? Paul's like, fuck off Helen. I'm serious. Helen laughs and goes, one of my past shags loved it, couldn't get enough of it, used to beg me to do it. She laughs again and says, but I made sure I kept my fingernails short.

I'm like, it's a biological fact that you've got a gland up there, it's a shortcut to orgasm heaven. You're supposed to love it. It's supposed to make you come like crazy.

Paul's like, all it made me do was scream and fall off the bed. I mean, think about it, there you are, having a great time and all of a sudden you're in uncharted waters. Being probed without prior warning is plain bad manners.

So the question is, what constitutes bad sexual manners?

When it comes to the sexual arena, isn't being polite something we should shrug off along with our clothes? Do we really need to submit a detailed business plan to ensure our partner is fully prepared before we get down to it?

Isn't sex supposed to be rude? I'll leave it to you to decide.